[Note: This post is a follow up to my last post . Where I announced some small shifts coming down the road.] First, I want to thank everyone who left encouraging comments in the previous post. Once again, the comments and emails I get from loyal Simple Marriage readers are payments in and of themselves. Anyway, last time ended with a cliffhanger. Two in fact

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So, what’s around the corner?

[Note: I'm embarking on something new and I want you to hear the story behind it.] In January 2008, Simple Marriage began as a place to spread a “be all marriage can be” message. At that time I was writing a weekly column for a small town newspaper about marriage and family life and began posting the articles online as well. After only posting a few articles, people began finding them and reading, and more excitingly, commenting. I was hooked. I stopped writing for the paper and thanks to the medium of this blog, I was able to interact with people from all over the world and was invited into their lives and relationships on a regular basis ( a honor I hold very dear ). To this day, the comments and emails I receive are payment for the time spent developing Simple Marriage into a trusted resource for marriage help.

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Getting personal … Time for a shift

Simple Marriage began four years and over 700 articles ago. That’s a lot of information, from a lot of different people, covering a lot of different topics. We’ve also grown quite a bit recently, adding new readers every day (welcome, by the way)

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Marriage help every other day

What happens when you hear something you think will help your marriage (or sex life), try it, and it fails?

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Marriage help gone bad

When I was thinking about my yesterday’s post a couple of weeks back, I asked my bride what one word she thought was the root of most marriage problems. She gave me two words: selfishness, which I covered yesterday, and fear.

Fear paralyzes us, and destroys both relationships and lives. Those who live in fear are captives, and their life tends to get smaller and smaller over time. If either you or your bride is living in fear, your marriage is being harmed by that fear.

Fear can come from a variety of sources, and the fear need not be part of the marriage relationship to harm that relationship. A few common fears:

1. Financial fears, including fear of losing employment.
2. Fear of spouse’s anger.
3. Fear of death or disease for self, spouse, or children.
4. Fear of spouse’s disapproval or disappointment.
5. Fear that your spouse will have an affair.
6. Fear of some person who has hurt or threatened you in the past.
7. Fear that your spouse will leave you.
8. Sexual fears – my spouse will want sex, my spouse will say no to sex, my body won’t work right, my spouses body won’t work right, we are in sin, and so on.

A fear need not be rational to be a problem, and knowing a fear is not rational does nothing to lessen that fear. Some fears are long standing, and many are built on fears from our past. A wife’s fears about her husband may be due in part to things her father, step-father or some other adult male did when she was young. However, it’s rare for a woman to hold onto a fear based on her past if her husband is not doing something to aggravate the situation.

If you have in the past given her reason to fear you, or anything you might do, say or think, please realise that it takes more than “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” for her fear to be banished. It will take time; she needs to see you not returning to your past behaviour, and she needs to see you not returning to that behaviour in difficult situations that once triggered the actions that caused her fear.

If she can’t deal with her fears, she needs Trained Third Party Help – same for you if you can’t deal with your fears.

Bottom line: Don’t live in fear, don’t let your bride live in fear, and DO NOT be the cause of your bride’s fear.

Source:Another word to sum up the cause of all marriage problems

A couple of Sundays ago one of my links to blog posts that stood out to me was to Brad’s Journey to the Space In-Between at One Flesh Marriage. I was deeply impressed that Brad was unwilling to silence the Holy Spirit’s voice so that he could do what he wanted or what felt safe and easy. I also identify with the “Space In-Between” that he mentioned – that place between the “rule your wife” and the “mutually submitted” camps on the issue of Eph 5: 21-33. I’m going to do my best to upset both camps below (it’s a gift I tell you, it is) but let me start with my conclusion before I lose everyone:

A husband is better when he does more sacrificing than “leading”.

First to my friends in the mutual submission camp (and I have more friends in that camp than the other):

• My bride and I have done a massive amount of study on this (she even more than I), and I can discuss the meaning of the Greek words Hupotasso and Kephale till your eyes glaze over (and I can point you to a PDF in which Wayne Grudem refutes the claim by some authors that he thinks Kephale should be understood as meaning “source), but I want to avoid the depths of Greek.
• On the surface “mutual submission” is an oxymoron, and that alone should make us think twice. Two people cannot be submitted to each other, it’s just not possible. A group of people can submit all around, and that is what Paul suggests. Paul never tells husbands and wives to submit to each other.
• I have a friend who argues that there is no example of Jesus submitting to God, but that in all things they agreed. I would argue this with what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane – Jesus clearly did NOT want to go to the cross. He said He did not want to go, and He asked that He be spared, but He also said “not my will, but Your will be done”. To me there is no question here – God was “In charge” and Christ submitted to God.

On the other side, the “head of the home side”:

• I can’t find what many men do in the name of “being the head” in the Bible, and especially not in how Christ acts towards the church.
• Jesus was/is a servant-leader, not a leader. There is a HUGE difference between the two.
• Jesus does not demand or ordered, He asks.
• Jesus does not lay down the law and keep that law with fear; He loves and shows by example.
• Jesus does not do the fancy, fun and important stuff and leave the church to clean up after Him; Jesus promotes the church and helps it to do what it was created to do.
• Jesus sacrifices for the church – even to the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.
• Submission is called for, but it’s a choice the church makes – to submit or to not submit (this is painfully obvious from the lack of obedience in the Church today).

In my estimation, the “egalitarian” marriage movement is an understandable but wrong reaction to those who misused the Bible to be king over their wife. I also understand why any man would rather the egalitarian model – it is far less work and sacrifice for the man than doing what the Bible really calls a husband to do and be.

So, should your bride “submit” to you? Yes, the Bible says she should – but that probably does not look like what either of you thinks it looks like. What’s more, it’s not your job to tell her to submit or to talk her into it. Neither are you called to judge how well she submits. Your actions may lead her to follow, but regardless of how she receives your actions, the Lord will judge you on what you do, not what she does. Giving, protecting, loving, promoting, and sacrificing: this is the example that our Lord set for us. Put her ahead of yourself, and her needs ahead of yours: this is what it means to be a servant-leader. Do what neither of you wants to do, and do what’s needed when both of you are exhausted: these are what you are called to do.

Bottom line: Being “the head”, as that phrase has come to be understood, is a cushy job, and being “egalitarian” is safe; but neither is what Paul commanded or Jesus showed by His example.

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Anonymous8

Marriage and Porn: What Women Think: I have not linked to the rest of this porn series (in which I was mentioned) due to a slightly different world view. HOWEVER, this post is important for men as it gives voice to a few of the thing a woman thinks when her guy views porn.

Better Husbands and Fathers

5 Ways to be a Better Husband: #4 – Surprises!: Eric may be onto a new love language here …

Black and Married with Kids

Can You Keep Your Spouse’s Secrets?: Can she tell you anything and know you won’t share it?
The “Thought” Doesn’t Count if You Give Thoughtless Gifts: True, this.
Avoiding a Mid-Marriage Crisis: In this MUST READ POST, Edward Lee says “A large number of the conversations revealed the resolve of women, that through forced smiles, admitted to giving up on ever finding happiness in their marriage. They had essentially been numbed into submission of feeling for or even desiring their husband..” This is a HUGE problem in the church. Are you giving your bride anything of value, or are you more trouble than you are worth?

Gina Parris’ Blog

How to Set & Achieve Your Goals: Forget the Past: Gina said “Your future is NOT dependent on your past .” The future of your marriage is the same, not dependent on your past UNLESS you let it be.

Happily Married After

2011 – The Year of ‘HER’: I double dog dare you!

Intimacy in Marriage

Friends With Benefits: Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage: Not what I expected from the title, but a great post!
5 Ways to Find More Time for Sex: Here is one you wish your bride would find on her own …

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage

http://themarriagecounselingblog.com/counseling/reasons-marriage-counseling/: Get help while it’s a small thing!

Marriage Gems

Detecting a Virus in Your Marriage: Nice!

The Marry Blogger

The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2010: Stu announces the winner – got check it out and find another great blog or three to follow. Congratulations all the winners.

Simple Marriage

Men and Women and a string of Christmas Lights: Interesting thought here. I think it is usually true, but I don’t think it should be.
5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage in 2011: Some great ideas here.

Source:Like Christ and the Church

Have A Better Relationship With Marriage Help

Have you been married for quite some time now and are you wondering if you and your spouse need marriage help? Your need for marriage help will depend on the situation of your marriage today as well as your preferences.

For example, some married couples seek marriage help every now and then even if their marriage is going pretty well. For these couples, regular attendance to marriage seminars or workshops equips them with new and various ways to further improve their marriage. This pro-active strategy of enriching a marriage is a great thing. Always remember that all marriages will need work each single day. You just do not let your marriage be and wish that it will last and be successful. In order to make the marriage last, couples must always learn new methods to do so.

On the other hand, there are some couples who seek marriage help only when they are having problems. And of course, experiencing marriage problems is one definite sign that you and your spouse need marriage help.

You can find marriage help in different ways. Getting advice from friends and family is the most common type of marriage help. Whenever a person starts encountering problems, one of the very first things that he or she does is seek help from a family member or a close friend. Your married friends can definitely help you in dealing with the marriage problems. Your parents, who have been together for a very long time definitely have some valuable lessons to share with you. If you need marriage help, do not have second thoughts in going to these people.

On the other hand, some people seek advice from the clergy. The people who do this are the ones who have close friends that are nuns and priests. They can definitely give you sound advice and may even give you additional resources to ask help from.

Another method to get marriage help is from seminars and workshops. You can find different organizations that offer marriage workshops and seminars every year. In order to know if a certain marriage workshop will suit your needs, check out the topics that will be covered first.

Couples also go to marriage counseling in order to get marriage help. Truth is, marriage counseling is becoming more popular since many couples are now using this method to save their marriages from divorce. This is an effective way to get marriage help because the couples will be given a new perspective about their marriage. The counseling sessions can become the much-needed eye-openers for you and your spouse to better understand each other and your relationship.

Of course, books and ebooks are also excellent sources of marriage helpmost especially for people who do not like going to marriage seminars, workshops, or counseling. The books that give marriage help are written by marriage counselors or people who have real-life experiences in overcoming different struggles.

Did your spouse tell you, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you?”

A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!

What does that statement mean?

When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you. CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.

Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them.

While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And, those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not IN LOVE with my spouse.” My immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?” I usually hear noise on the other end of the phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for an answer to my question.

“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whomever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?

Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is a tricky task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it strategically. One false step and your marriage could be over. If you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER. How do you do that?

Learn more about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal by subscribing to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and getting a FREE marriage assessment. Click here to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach
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Ed. note: Just suffered a breakup? Don’t give up just yet. Grab my free ebook below. Click the cover and look for “Magic of Making Up!” in the sidebar.